Birthlight Forums

Hi I am wondering if anyone can recommend any good books/articles around sleep in relation to babies and children. I feel a better understanding of how sleep works might help me in understanding my daughter's needs around sleep. The issue I am having at the moment is with getting her to relax and switch off so she can fall asleep- she gets quite manic and keeps herself awake- if she begins to doze she leaps back up to wake herself up. Then once she is asleep keeping her asleep- she tends to wake every 40mins to an hour, either requiring feeding or settling. She is 10 months old- we currently co-sleep and she still feeds at night- feeding is another area i would like to know more about. I want to understand more about what is normal, what to expect and how her sleep and feeding might change as she grows so that I can be best meeting her needs. I also think it would be good to have a better understanding of this area for offering support to other mums! Thank you

Hi, I definitely recommend the book Dream Baby Guide by Sheyne Rowley. The book is about 700 pages long and I find that you do need to read the whole book to get the most out of it. There is no short cut. I found that it worked really well for me and my baby. I started the program when my baby was about 7-8 months old. It caters for low, average and high sleep requirement babies. It also gives you routine that grows with your baby. It gives you information on feeding, settling, playtime, communication etc. I found it a very useful guide/book. I still refer to it now and then and my baby is now 14 months old. He sleeps through from 7pm to 7am from 8 months onwards. Good luck and I hope you find it as helpful as I did. Cheers, Margie

 Hi,

I am constantly amazed at how many parents have sleep problems with their babies.  Both of my children slept through in their third month of life.  I can't imagine how you are surviving.  3 months of broken sleep was plenty for me!  I think you need to see each child as an individual, but the goal should be the same - to get them sleeping independently and able to self soothe back to sleep.  It has been proven that babies awaken many times in the night.  The only diference between mine and yours is that I taught them to self soothe rather than feeding of having to be settled by me.  I remember my health visiotor telling me with my daughter that no child needs to feed in the night after 6 months of age.  They may want to - but they don't need too.  I co-slept with both of my children for the first 6 weeks of breastfeeding, then when the feed at that time went down to one in the night, I put the baby in the cot between feeds.

My daughter was happier by far being in her own bed.  I learned early with her that if I tried to rock or feed her to sleep, she would fight the sleep - but she was in fact fighting me.  One day in temper I just put her in her cot awake and told her to go to sleep! She did and I was amazed.  She just wanted her own space and to be able to be settled by herself.  She slept through the night form 8 to 8 at 3 months and 3 weeks.  This was the point that she found her thumb also and was able to self soothe when waking in the night. If she ever cried in the night after this point, I went in and offered her a bottle with water in it, never my breast.  She learned quickly that water was not worth waking me up for, so she didn't.

With my son, he slept with me until he went down to one breasteed at night (approx 6 weeks), then I started putting him in his cot between feeds.  He slept 7 - 7 at 3 months 1 week.  I fed him three hourly during the day from 2 weeks of age, he grew amazingly well (never dropped from his birth weight) and never let him sleep through a feed in the day.  I woke him and made him take his day feeds so he wouldn't be hungry in the night.  If a baby misses a feed in the day, chances are they will ask for it at night.

Both mine were fully breastfed and I weaned at 5 months of age (give or take a week), when they were ready.  Each baby is an individual. I breastfed to one year old (give or take) with both and they both went straight onto a cup of water when they chose to stop breasfeeding.  I figured that as they had only ever known breastmilk, if they no longer want to breastfeed, they don't need another milk to replace me, as they are unaware any alternatives existed!

I am just wondering whether you are disturbing your baby at night.  I know I sleep more deeply when I am alone in bed.  My husband wakes me several times a night by rolling over, nicking the covers or snoring!  Maybe you should try putting your baby in a cot and see if she sleeps better alone with no one to disturb her.  I would also recommend a strict pre bed routine of bath, breastfeed and bed.  Always put her down awake, so she learns to get herself to sleep without relying on you to feed her or soothe her to sleep. That way when she wakes in the night she will have the skill/ability to get herself back to sleep, without relying on you.

Be aware that after an illness (cough, cold etc), because it has broken your baby's routine, you may need to use controlled crying or the bottle of water for a couple of nights to get them back to sleeping through.  It has never been more than two nights of the baby waking in the night and asking for me to soothe them after they have recovered from an illness. I just told them it was 'sleepy time' and to go back to sleep and then left the room.

I don't want to worry you, but at sometime your baby should learn to sleep alone.  My friend decided she would let her son decide when he wanted to sleep in his own bed.  He was still in there at 14 years old!  Her husband had left some years before - cant imagine why!

Wishing you all the best in getting a full night's sleep, soon!

Hi there, Sorry about the slow response since your initial post. I did write something a couple months back before leaving for holidays but the system jammed and it was all lost and I haven’t had the chance to tap anything out since. I wonder how you are going now? If you are following more of an attachment style of parenting with co-sleeping, there are a few resources that you may find helpful or get ideas. There is such a breadth of ‘normal’ when it comes to feeding, sleeping and development that I don’t think any book can hope to cover everything and they don’t know your baby like you do. It is so important that you trust in your instincts as a mother and as parents and trust that your baby can and is communicating their needs to you. Words only account for about 8% of communication and whilst it is sometimes trial and error working out issues with babies, learning the baby’s cues of communication regarding tiredness, feeding etc. is part of the art of instinctive, intuitive, and in-touch parenting which has a baby led focus without ignoring the needs of the parents as well.   

 

There is oodles of information about baby sleep available but I think it really depends on what parenting style you have adopted as to what you may find most useful…whether you are external advice/book led or following a more instinctive/intuitive style of parenting. I’m sure you’ll find that some advice and books resonate with you whereas others give you an uncomfortable feeling. For example, many of the books these days advocate controlled crying as the only solution for sleeping issues. Certainly, that was also the advice I had from our health visitor when I asked for some basic information. I was surprised by this. A baby’s brain is developing and is at its most ‘plastic’ as it will ever be and therefore adaptable to change, however I think change needs to be implemented in a sensitive way that doesn’t create further division and create distress if you are wanting to create an atmosphere of love and bonding. There is a significant fear in our culture that whatever you start is whatever you’ll be stuck with (e.g. feeding in the night forever, co-sleeping forever etc. etc.) but this simply isn’t true. I hope you can trust your instinct and intuition on what is right for you and the baby and your family. If you are following an attachment style of parenting with co-sleeping etc. you may find James McKenna’s information and website resonates with you. He is one of the few researchers who has looked at the benefits of co-sleeping as well as many aspects of infant sleep. He has a number of books available, but there is also an abundance of information on The Natural Child website: http://www.naturalchild.org/james_mckenna/ James has found that, contrary to popular parenting cultural beliefs today about encouraging sleep separation to encourage ‘independence’, that a baby’s development is benefitted by waking and ensuring that their care giver is close by and having regular contact throughout the night. If you are co-sleeping, it will depend on you and your partner and the baby as to if and when you change this arrangement. The emphasis in our culture is for separation however there are many cultures where families sleep together for a lifetime and there is no fear that the children will be ‘dependent forever’. 

 

If the idea of controlled crying doesn’t resonate with you, you may find Elizabeth Pantley’s two books give you some more ideas for problem solving. Elizabeth emphasises that it is really about identifying where you are at now with your baby’s sleep and naps and where you want to go and then implementing a road map to make gradual changes towards self soothing. She co-slept with her babies and also had babies that worked every 45 minutes or so requiring attention. Her methods are gentle and can be adapted to suit what your individual goals are and seeing the process as a stepping stone towards your ultimate goal (whatever they are). For some parents, waking twice a night would be a dream! Her books are The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night: Foreword by William Sears, M.D. by M.D. William Sears and Elizabeth Pantley  and ‘The No Cry Nap Solution’. The books are short and easy to read and you don’t have to implement everything to get results, just cherry pick what resonates for you and your baby when you develop your plan for sleep improvement. She emphasises reducing the baby’s need for props (i.e feeding/rocking/dummies etc.) and working towards putting your child to bed awake but relaxed so they learn to drift into sleep on their own so they can more easily do it with the brief awakenings over night however without the stress and tension that is often experienced with the process of controlled crying which simply doesn’t suit all Mums/parents or babies.   Are you in the UK or elsewhere? There is also a fantastic group in North London called Babies Know who run parenting courses to support instinctive/intuitive parenting and also have a wonderful website with lots of information – see www.babiesknow.com We went on one of their parenting weekends and it was fantastic – highly recommended if you want to understand babies and their communication and needs and your own parenting style/history and how this will influence not only your choices but your own reactions to the challenges that you are presented with (many of which are involuntary). They run courses for learning about parenting with toddlers etc. as well so if you are approaching one with your bub, you haven’t missed out. See the Science tab on their page for scientifically informed info on sleep/feeding etc. You’ll also find a wonderful resource list on the website.

 

Another resource that I stumbled on at the library was The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five by William Sears and Martha Sears. The title put me off to begin with as I didn’t regard our baby as fussy however when I looked through it, there were lots of great ideas and I could really identify with some of it. Our baby girl had small windows for recognising the window for sleep/feeding etc. She was a very curious, very alert and very perceptive baby who also didn’t like to miss out on things/shut down easily. She was also very sensitive to her environment and even now sleeps better in naturally warmer climates. In between disturbances with teething etc. it took us a while to work out that even though we were following general guidance for covers/clothing etc, that she needed more warmth overnight (hence wanting to sleep with us throughout winter). She has slept so much better since we bought her a wool duvet at one year old. Also, as a baby, if we didn’t ‘catch her window’ for sleep and tried when she was overtired or under-tired, it was hard work. Recognising tired cues is really important and if you google it, you’ll find a fairly standard list of signs to look for. If they are going ‘manic’ it can be that the baby is already overtired and it gets harder and harder for them to switch off. Learning to recognise and ‘catch’ the window made things much easier and I am pleased to say our girl’s ‘windows’ also broadened as she got older and her needs changed and at 12-14 months things really turned a corner. It was all work in progress along the way though. Factors such as the amount of outdoor time in the day can also really influence sleep quality as it enhances the sleep promoting hormones such as melatonin, and active-versus quiet time, social contact, avoiding tv and overstimulation can as well, particularly if you have an active or alert baby. The amount of day time contact with feeding/baby carrying/hugs as they get older can also influence sleep. As we found, there are often more things to consider than just bed/bath/book routines.   We had similarly short windows for feeding. She was very mobile and dextrous from an early age and insisted on self feeding from 6 months of age, refused purees etc. and really explored her food. Due to her activity levels, this meant that she needed higher quantities of milk for a lot longer than what is ‘standard health visitor advice’ and still fed in the night from 6 months. I simply don’t agree with absolute statement and commonly held belief that babies don’t need milk at night from 6 months of age. Elizabeth Pantley also reported that a small percentage of babies DO need milk beyond this period. While most babies were still lying on the mat, our girl was 6 months old and crawling about, walked early and was running by 12 months. She was covering so much ground at a very early age. Clearly her metabolic needs are not going to be the same as every other baby, particularly those that at the same stage were learning to sit. Without any real understanding of our baby’s individual needs/metabolic requirements, a health visitor actually suggested at 8 months that I really cut back on her milk and let her go hungry to ‘encourage her to eat’ and ‘she would soon learn’. When I reported that she was more likely to fall/have an accident if running around hungry and more likely to get distressed, she insisted that this was the only solution. Again, this simply wasn’t the case. We followed baby led weaning/feeding and whilst it was slower at the start and I sometimes had my doubts looking around at other babies being spoon fed oodles of pureed solids, our baby insisted on following this route and we haven’t looked back. It is a delight to see her enjoying her food and eating the same things as we do at 16 months old and being adventurous and exploratory. Again, many of these weaning and feeding ‘rules’ that you’ll get from various health advisors and many of the books are more culturally orientated and don’t necessarily exist in other cultures.  If you want more information – see Baby-led Weaning: Helping Your Baby to Love Good Food by Gill Rapley and Tracey Murkett.   Sometimes I also found that issues with sleep were part of a transition process with daytime nap needs etc. changing, developmental surges as well as other issues such as teething. All these other aspects affect babies in very different ways.  The key thing in with sleep is that every baby is very different. I think it is interesting to note that in our culture, sleeping through the night (not just 5 hours in a row by medical definition but 10-12 hours continuously) seems to have become a ‘gold standard’, held in high esteem by the very low percentage of people who have the 10-12 hour ‘sleepers’ from the early months as well as those in the industry that are selling advice to promote the same thing. Every child’s metabolic needs, sleep needs, contact needs, comfort/environmental needs (light/noise/temperature etc,) and developmental needs are different, just as we as adults are different from one another.  In addition, every parent’s needs are different as well. Some parents feel that they cannot cope without undisturbed sleep. Other parents, including us, found that it wasn’t the waking in the night that was the issue but more-so the amount of time it took for the baby to settle (i.e. the more arousal time for us as well) that influences our feeling of being rested. Our baby was very disturbed by teething. She pushed 12 teeth through in an 8 month period which was largely relentless and over time tested our endurance and by 16 months almost has a full set of teeth however I can attest to the fact that as a parent, amazingly you always have the reserves you need to cope. Our bodies are wondrous and highly responsive in times of need! Oxytocin is a wonderful thing and I think highly underestimated by those who believe that you can’t survive unless you’ve had almost a full night’s sleep on a regular basis!  It wasn’t quantity but rather the quality of the sleep that affected us. 

 

I think another thing to take into account is that a lot of the sleep advice that is offered today is very culturally orientated and is reminiscient of the Victorian era in which families who were better off could afford separate rooms for their babies and children, were often fed by a wet nurse and children were regarded as ‘good’ if they didn’t make demands of their parents and were seen and not heard. I think the legacy of this era is still influencing the emphasis on early self soothing to date. Interestingly, in this era the medicos were bemused as to why the poorer families who were 'forced' to co-sleep to keep warm, survived a deadly flu epidemic compared to the more affluent families whose lost many children who slept in separate rooms until they started to consider that the new fashion in sleeping arrangements may be detrimental to immune function. Interestingly food for thought!

 

 

 I hope you find some information that is what you are looking for. Good luck on your journey! All the very best, Wendy 

 

Apologies to all - the first version I posted didn't come through with the paragraphs spaced so you may find the version on the website easier to read. Kind regards, Wendy

Thank you all for these very informative and supportive posts that offer a lot of resources and personal wisddom.  Re quality of sleep for parents, perhaps there is a need to remember the importance of the Birthlight breathing relaxation techniques taught in the Perinatal and Postnatal courses to monitor the 'fuzzy zone' between sleep/deep relaxation and pre-waking, so that one can choose to either wake up fully or return to dozing and sleep. I could not have managed a busy home with 3 under-fives, one at school, builders more or less in residence and a husband most active at night! this is when yoga was invaluable and practical adaptations of classic practices were most helpful. If members from Baby Yoga courses would like to learn and use the breathing relaxation techniques, it would be possible to create a short DVD and post it in the resources area.  Francoise.

 

Thanks Francoise. Funny, I was just thinking that I completely forgot to mention the benefits of the Yoga breath which have also kept me sustained through these times when your post arrived! I also didn't mention that we found baby massage and some of the stroking/relaxation techniques for Mum and Baby that you also outline in your  'Yoga for Mother and Baby'  really helpful - particularly the forehead stroking technique. Unfortunately there weren't any baby Yoga classes near us but I was able to adapt some of it for home and I am sure other Mums can speak more of their experience and it's benefits. I know that I really found it important to stay relaxed to enhance our girl's relaxation and I am sure that will continue to be the case in the future as well! I also found rhythmical belly breathing when cuddling Evie in our pre-bed routine really useful and also helped her settle and zone in towards sleep. These are the sort of techniques that I think are very unique to the Birthlight approach and rarely mentioned in any of the 'expert' sleep solutions books.

 When you have a chance, are you able to write a little summary of the fuzzy zone relaxation breath as a reminder as it would be really useful? Thanks, Wendy